I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
