what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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