shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
