I heard we made out
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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