Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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