i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
