I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
