the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
