Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
