you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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