when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.