I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night