I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
