Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
