If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
