I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
