Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
