So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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