Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I want her autograph on my taint
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
