The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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