You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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