Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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