the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
