apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
