I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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