I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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