You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
