There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
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