she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
