Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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