THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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