i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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