we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
