I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
