I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
