If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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