She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
