He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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