I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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