yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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