im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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