I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
