I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
