Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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