Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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