Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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