I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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