If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
