my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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