My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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