You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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