Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My bed smells like the plague
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
