well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
