I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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