You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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