You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
