between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
