One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
