she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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