gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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