Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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